I have to leave my job as soon as possible. I know it like I knew I had to leave my first university after my freshman year. And my first boyfriend after 4.5 years. I have an overwhelming sense that I need to hit the eject button pronto. I know it's all wrong because the situation I am in now feels big and heavy and the mere thought of leaving feels guuuuuuuuuud. Reeeeeeeeel Guuuuuuuuuuuuud.
And now I know something else. It's also really, really, extra, very, bad because my upper back and neck muscles are seizing up. Turns out, I have a very physical reaction to stress. Or rather, it does not turn out, because it's been there all along. But the most stressful times in my life have been far enough apart that I did not remember the muscle thing until this time. But now I remember. And it's painful and does not stop until the stressor goes away.
I'm embarking on another journey, I can feel it. I do this every couple years, just up and decide to change everything. Or at least one really big thing. This time though, I am doing it with my sense of self a little destabilized. I've always thought that I make good decisions for myself and that I can trust my gut. But this time, I made a big decision to quit my job, go to grad school and become a teacher. That was a very bad decision.
Quitting it all to teach was supposed to answer a lot of questions and solve a lot of undecided things and now I know it was the all wrong, very bad, neck-seizing-up-so-it-is-hard-to-drive answer. And I am buying a house. That is soooo not a good time to bag my job, everybody knows that! But I havta havta havta go and I have to make a new decision about where to go next with not all that much confidence in my decision-making abilities.
So I blog. Because it is the thing to do and I want to talk to the ether-webs about decision-making. Deciding things for ourselves, deciding things for others, life decisions, decorating decisions, snap judgments and non-decisions. I need answers for myself and I might have answers for you. As is often the case, I am much better at helping others make decisions than I am at discerning in my own life. The soapbox and the shingle are out.
Welcome to the crossroads.
