Conversations in My Neighborhood #3

(Gardening in my backyard.)

Man Walking Up Alley: Hello

Me: Hi, how are you?

Man: What size pants are you?

Me: I'm sor-ry?

Man: I've got these jeans. They're Jones New York. Real nice. They are a size 16. Is that good for you? I can give them to you for a nice price.

Me: Oh!!! Um, no sorry, that's not my size.

Man: Oh okay. Well, if you know anybody. They're Jones New York.

Conversations in My Neighborhood #2

(Walking my dog down a side street when man approaches from alley.)

Man: Hey

Me: Hi, how are you?

Man: What's your dog's name? What do you call your dog?

Me: Suki

Man: Stupid? You named your dogs Stupid?

Me: Suuuu-kkkeeeeeee

Man: Stuki? I have a cat. I named it Mr. T. Why don't you like cats?

Me: I like them fine. I just like dogs better.

Man: Yeah, like if someone comes up in your house and your dog's like, "ruff, ruff, ruff! bow wow!!!!"

Me: Okay, I'm going this way..... (point in opposite direction)

Conversations in My Neighborhood #1

I'm in the backyard gardening when three, young black males who actually do look slightly tougher than most of the guys cutting through the alley walk by.

Me: Hi, how are you?

Dude: Hello.

(pause)

Dude: You gardening? You do yard work all the time?

Me: Um, no. It's hard work. I try to do it as little as possible.

Dude: Oh yeah?

(I really have no idea why he asked that. Was he trying to find out if this was my profession? If I'm going to be out there a lot in the future? If this is something all white people do? Maybe he was just making conversation because I said "hi" first. He seemed somewhat perplexed about the whole gardening thing and then managed to totally confound me with his curiosity.)

Stumbling Towards Efficacy

I decided to start writing a blog and I didn't even do that effectively. Efficacy is a word I learned in teaching grad school. There was some gooey talk about doing a lot of self-reflection in order to determine your efficacy as a teacher. It's the noun for effective and it's a word that has been sticking to me like lint in my psychic bellybutton.

I feel like I need to increase my efficacy of being a fulfilled human being. I am kind of floating in this morass of being "brave enough" to give up my job, buying a house in the 'hood, sticking with my man and wanting to get another dog because we provide a really nice life for a dog and we should be spreading it around. And making a "caribbean-themed" guest bedroom because that's funny. And crap like that.

I'm trying to figure out how best to channel these energies so that I actually come out feeling satisfied instead of spending all that adventure on stuff that just feels like it will being fulfilling. And the whole self-doubt thing is not helping. I'm afraid of putting up a bunch of decorating stuff in order to spend time on that instead of finding a job - and going broke in the process.

I feel pretty determined to find some balance on this one.

Go With Your Gut

I have to leave my job as soon as possible. I know it like I knew I had to leave my first university after my freshman year. And my first boyfriend after 4.5 years. I have an overwhelming sense that I need to hit the eject button pronto. I know it's all wrong because the situation I am in now feels big and heavy and the mere thought of leaving feels guuuuuuuuuud. Reeeeeeeeel Guuuuuuuuuuuuud.

And now I know something else. It's also really, really, extra, very, bad because my upper back and neck muscles are seizing up. Turns out, I have a very physical reaction to stress. Or rather, it does not turn out, because it's been there all along. But the most stressful times in my life have been far enough apart that I did not remember the muscle thing until this time. But now I remember. And it's painful and does not stop until the stressor goes away.

I'm embarking on another journey, I can feel it. I do this every couple years, just up and decide to change everything. Or at least one really big thing. This time though, I am doing it with my sense of self a little destabilized. I've always thought that I make good decisions for myself and that I can trust my gut. But this time, I made a big decision to quit my job, go to grad school and become a teacher. That was a very bad decision.

Quitting it all to teach was supposed to answer a lot of questions and solve a lot of undecided things and now I know it was the all wrong, very bad, neck-seizing-up-so-it-is-hard-to-drive answer. And I am buying a house. That is soooo not a good time to bag my job, everybody knows that! But I havta havta havta go and I have to make a new decision about where to go next with not all that much confidence in my decision-making abilities.

So I blog. Because it is the thing to do and I want to talk to the ether-webs about decision-making. Deciding things for ourselves, deciding things for others, life decisions, decorating decisions, snap judgments and non-decisions. I need answers for myself and I might have answers for you. As is often the case, I am much better at helping others make decisions than I am at discerning in my own life. The soapbox and the shingle are out.

Welcome to the crossroads.